"SO I HAVE ASD..."
Lowering the mask - How I told those around me about my diagnosis
8th May 2018:
"Well, here it is... my ‘coming out’ post.
It’s something I’ve known for years, though not forever as for a long time I thought I was crazy or broken... After a lot of investigation I received a verbal diagnosis some years ago, but after as many years of trying to get by without help, I finally received a written diagnosis that I have an Autism Spectrum Disorder.
There, some of you are just not surprised at all, ya know I’m a bit weird and antisocial, but some of you will just not get that at all... I mean like, HOW? I look normal? Sound normal? Can talk the talk? Oh and I have kids...
Perhaps... but do you know what the world looks like through my eyes? How it has done since day dot? The lights, the colours, the patterns and distractions, the obstacles, movements and the FACES (forgive me if I never recognise you) This all can be very busy and confusing, disorientating and nauseating. I need a visual vacation sometimes!
Or how about how it all sounds? The congested babble of voices, music, motors, frequencies... the echos and distortions? Words that sound odd, missing words you’ve said, losing context or struggling to process things quickly enough... I’m not stupid, on the contrary I actually have quite a high IQ, I’m just running a different operating system and it’s lightening quick, unfortunately when I have to use yours, it’s SLOW!
What about my own voice? Sure I talk, but I copy you and books and films and plays, I am an observer, I learn social skills like a foreign language, remembering those phrases, responses, situations... I have nearly 38 years experience, I am actually quite good at it you know!!
But do you know what happens when I don’t know you, or when there is no script for that particular situation, or when the surroundings are too distracting, or when I have had a bad day, or you stare right into my eyes or make a joke that I don’t get, or even make fun of me for a laugh? Oh and for the record, I do ‘get’ humour, in fact I think I’m rather funny at times. Wit has a formula after all and I do so love a good formula! But sometimes my head is elsewhere, I’m looking at you but working out the area of the wall tiles behind you, or what music would look like if it was written in colour scales rather than notation.
Of course you probably don’t understand what these things feel like and that’s okay, but it isn’t always for me...it can be uncomfortable, very much so, it hurts my head and throws me off course, my brain goes crazy searching the archives for the ‘right’ response and even if we make it through an average exchange, my head can feel wrecked afterwards and I can feel emotionally drained or even inadequate or stupid.
I decline all your invitations to go out, or just don’t get invited at all... I hate getting dressed up, I hate fussy, girly, itchy, annoying clothes and like to keep it simple. I hate that social awkwardness and am secretly envious of how you all do it, how you slip in and out of all that conversation with ease. The unwritten ‘rules’ that you all seem to know back to front. Emotional appropriateness? Yes of course I can tell the difference between happy/sad/angry etc and know not to laugh when your great uncle’s, step father’s guinea pig has died, I do possess emotion and empathy, certainly (autism myth dispelled) and this coupled with my love of education has led me straight to the role I am in now. Kids are so easy and uncomplicated, even the complicated ones lol! But in an emotionally demanding context, feelings I experience can be to an extreme which can leave me distraught over some things and clinical about others, though I’ll probably just pull the ‘correct’ response out of the emotional magic hat if I’m left cold!
I love the workings of the mind in fact and have studied social sciences, psychology, criminal psychology and forensic science, so I’m not thick! Also, I am extremely practical so if you accidentally cut your leg off, I’ll not be vomiting into my t-shirt but calmly figuring out how to stop you from dying. If my cat loses a leg however, I will scream till I throw up and hold a week long memorial.
But you see lately, I’ve felt a bit down. Bad things have happened, some really big shit and I’ve tried to cope alone. I run my girls everywhere, I work, I deal with brick after brick being thrown at me. I’ve kept treading water... Unfortunately this has stopped working effectively for me and I need life to cut me a bit of a break.
I have decided to access resources to help a bit I will soon be sporting my new specs to help with my visual sensitivities - complete with about 3 layers of ‘anti-everything’!! (Wonder if they have an ‘anti idiot’ filter. I also want to learn some new strategies and work on my executive functioning which can be a bit rubbish at times. Most of all I’m going to cut myself some slack!! If I want to sit alone, or stay in my car or listen to my music then I will. If it’s ‘weird’ music or I want to listen to one track 50 times then that’s fine. If I want to sit with someone, then great! If I want to take 5 billion pictures of the same thing, I’ll crack on! If I have a meltdown, then I’ll deal with it and be kinder to myself.
I’m going to try to make time to work on my strengths, play more of my piano (self taught to grade 6!), write, create, teach and learn. That last one is a tricky one, as I love to learn, I’m just no good at doing so in a conventional way... hopefully now, with a bit of support, I can find someone to help with things like that.
Anyways,
Too much info? Probably, but hey, that’s also typical and if I’m honest, you got the heavily edited version so count yourselves lucky!! You could always just scroll past, or forget you read it. All I ask is that you don’t say anything negative please.
Being open is a way for me to cope with some of the pressures I am going through at the moment, especially having no family in England, and ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ apparently. Disclosure is not for everyone and hasn’t been for me for a long time, but I’ve got nothing to lose and hopefully something to gain in the form of a little understanding. Also, I’m hoping to raise a little awareness in female Autism (completely different to the more widely known male version)...
...If you got to the end and actually read it all, here, have one of these, you’ve earned it!🏅"