"RUNNING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION"
"ON 26TH APRIL 2019"
A new chapter began
Now having lived on the mainland for some years, diagnosed and determined to find my way, a whole series of challenging events unfolded, sending me spinning right out of orbit. It was a horribly frightening time, where chaos and confusion were by some twisted irony, the only predictable and consistent things! I needed to take control so badly and it was then that something just clicked in my head.
It was that Friday when I donned the Day-Glo and dragged myself into the daylight. This wasn't going to be running away, this time I was going to run right into combat, wage war on the weariness and fight the fear (albeit without the warpaint and screaming!)
"YES, IT HURT..."
But I never felt better!
I did it! I dragged myself out of my bubble and around that country park in spite of all my fears. I walked, then jogged, couldn't breathe so walked again. The paths were full of folk, all content in their dog walking, running and cycling. I tried so hard to to look at ease, plastered a deranged smile on my face and rambled away, attempting to talk myself out of quitting - I know I looked every bit the epitome of "disturbed"!
I won't lie, that first week was bloody tough. I physically hurt and every single time I tried to jog, I was gulping down sick and feeling such a terrible burning in my airways that I was convinced my lungs might explode and that I would die a torturous death, suffocating and drowning on my own bile. I felt ashamed and ridiculous, but I knew deep down that this was just a barrier and that mental fortitude was truly the only way to overcome it and locate the inner resolve needed to drive my body onward.
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"MESSY HAIR,DON'T CARE!"
Reality check
Ok, so if you have any ideas of rocking up to your car afterwards, looking like a stock photo running model - forget it, a "Shaun of the Dead" extra will most likely be a more accurate representation, so probably best to get any delusions out of your head from the outset.
Whether you have spent a small fortune on designer running get up or quickly grabbed your standard hangover/Sunday/gardening kit of yoga pants and an oversized t-shirt, the science is the same. You will have just run your vital organs to the ground and feel like the number 54 just ran over your legs, reversing to see what that "crunch" was and accidentally further maiming you in the process. Your lungs will feel like they've been in a blender and at that point you will no doubt be metaphorically throwing all preconceptions you may have had about your "LA look" in with them! You will have excreted a couple of litres in sweat along the way, causing any make up you may have previously applied, to now be sliding down your face and into your eyes, chemically burning them into partial blindness, not to mention the nasty foam drying around your mouth from thirst and trying to spit and failing spectacularly. As for hair? pah!
So these things just aren't pretty, I looked a mess, but I didn't care - what mattered most was that I was demolishing barriers and achieving something. In my first few weeks, I was dragging myself up some killer hills, walking at first, then walk/fast walking, then jogging a little. My very first goal was to run up one particular hill without stopping, it didn't have to be fast, it didn't have to be graceful, it didn't need to be on my first day, I just had to get up that damn hill at some point - I made this my mountain and I had that flag tight in my grip ready to sink into its back when the time came.
"If you don't suffer the pain of hard work now, you will suffer the pain of regret later"
Anon.
"TURNING A CORNER"
Feeling the benefits in mind, body and soul
Weeks in and things were falling into place. I had found my zone, the fog was beginning to lift and I was feeling stronger.
"START SMALL, AIM BIG!"
In May 2019, I wrote:
It’s Mental Health Awareness Week in the UK and if there’s one thing that is utterly incredible for the soul, it’s exercise! I cannot stress enough, how good running has been for me this past month.
Having an Autism Spectrum Condition, I suffer constant social anxiety, generalised anxiety, rigid thought patterns, rituals, intrusive thoughts, disrupted sleep, exhaustion, isolation, sensory disturbances to name a few...
Every day that I join in “mainstream” activity takes all the effort in the world to overcome these hurdles and seldom feels “real” - imagine, your life outside your bubble feeling like a major part in a movie, every SINGLE day, struggling to make real connections and just generally faking it?! All together this leaves me susceptible to depression and exclusion.
BUT, I’ve adopted a new ritual, one that has no social demand but still keeps me in touch with the outside world. I feel so much fitter, am benefiting from the fresh air and natural light, enjoying my natural surroundings and all the time my brain is flooding my body with endorphins - the usual thoughts cannot reach me when I am in my zone, not even close. My body feels stronger and so does my mind!!
Yes it was hard at first, I just about coughed a lung up and my body hurt like hell. But this was literally for a few days maximum. Now I am running most days, enjoying miles, hills, different terrain, challenges; it’s by no means easy, but do-able - a metaphor for life perhaps?
Start small, aim big.
Thanks always to my beautiful daughters for being so loving, accepting and compassionate young ladies. Never judging, always caring - I’m so lucky 💗💗💗xxx
💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻❤️🌈