“It’s not always easy this autism lark”

When I am running, it takes me a little while to settle into it. I firstly need to adjust to my surroundings, warm up and shake off any niggles; it can take me a little while to fine tune my coordination after which I can focus on stabilising my breathing and finding my pace. Once in a rhythm, my endorphins begin their magic and I become relaxed and able to clear my head of much of the distracting and “unnecessary“ stimuli that builds up there. If I am very focussed and conditions permit, then I am able to access the “zone”.

Now the zone is an amazing space in my mind; clean, clear and beautifully seamless. This is not an empty void though, but rather a virtual storage area and playground for my desired thoughts, a place where I can, uninterrupted, entertain a backlog of concepts and imagery, problem solve and defragment, create and disassemble, all subject matter of my choosing and free from that external interference that wrecks my head on a daily basis.

Here I may, just for a little while, be me and experience all those sensory delights, abstract ideas and my emotions in a rather unique and wonderful way. There are few situations which permit me time in this space without causing a total breakdown of ”normal” function, but running is one of them!

Realistically I cannot run all the time, but those daily challenges do not ever go away. I‘m constantly struggling to filter out everyday sensory input, manage relationships and my rigid thought processes and sometimes it all goes wrong.

This is the reality of being autistic.

On 20th November I wrote:

“2019? Okaaaaay...

Autism can be hidden disability... that is until the situation doesn’t register, there’s no script for this one and some ignorant notebook nazi, intimidates and confuzzles your synapses, treats you like rubbish and you have a public meltdown 🤦🏼‍♀️

I feel SO humiliated! Took one whole hour just to reconnect my brain, having to self soothe (yeah I’m sure that’s so funny!), just to be able to drive the car from the car park to the nearest cafe and even now (a couple of hours later) my head is fried, speech is garbled and I’m still shaking and feel just horrible.

Yes I know I look normal, I can speak, walk and function well enough... that is UNTIL this happens... then it all goes to absolute poop. Not fun 😔

😢💔”

The following day I mused:

“I was always fascinated by Mr Benn, he was so good at this blending malarkey.

Imagine every single human situation you encounter, having to quickly don the right mask or the closest one required for that situation, literally studying everyone around you, storing their interactions, remembering the script, facial expressions, tone of voice and the anomalies, just in order “to pass” - the constant learning, rehearsal, mental demand and focus.

Imagine the stress and anxiety of fearing choosing the “wrong one”, the embarrassment when that happens, the absolute exhaustion of holding that mask on tight, being at this acting lark 24/7... try to imagine the frustration and absolute sadness of NEVER being your authentic self to avoid what you fear the most, ridicule and isolation...

It’s easy to tell people to “just be themselves”, the reality isn’t always so palatable.

Just thinking out loud... sorry if people feel a bit 🙄”

Every autistic experiences their autism uniquely and this is merely another little insight into my way of thinking and some of the challenges I face. This is not intended to be negative, rather more informative as I continue my journey of self understanding and growth, raising awareness and promoting an anti ableist society.